The University of Miami is a wonderful place. You’ve made memories, friends and HOLY F*CKING SHIT IS THAT MY TUITION BILL?! Mom, Dad, are we going to have to sell the house? I can’t live with Aunt Cheryl, she puts plastic on all her furniture and her cats wear prescription glasses!!!
Sure, college is an amazing place and you wouldn’t take back these four years for anything. Let’s imagine for a moment, though, what you could have done for just ONE YEAR if you weren’t skipping class to drink beer and play Candy Crush. Hold my hand, let’s go on this financial journey together. No tears though! Decisions have been made and you mentioned a diploma to the parents who work hard all year, just to hear you complain over winter break about how “you know how much I hate Provolone on my grilled cheese, Mom”.
Shut up. Take my hand. We’re going in.
MIAMI TUITION FOR 1 YEAR: $59,464
= 6,292.5 Chipotle burritos with chicken AND steak AND every condiment AND guac
***AND not E. Coli
= 40 Bernese Mountain dogs
***not quite 101 Dalmatians, but that’s way overdone.
= 79 iPhone 6ss
***which you bought this year anyway because the Grove.
= 61 round trip flights to Japan
***when you want your sushi authentic but also to-go so you can get back home and finish watching Sherlock.
= 19,821 bottles of Three Buck Chuck
***Charles Shawshank Redemption.
= 183.25 tickets to Bonaroo
***for you and 182.25 of your closest friends.
= 4,324.7 movie tickets
***but make sure you only see The Revenant. That many times.
= 613 Disney World one-day passes
***it’s a small (but financially feasible) world after all!
= 5,405.8 signature Blackbird Ordinary cocktails
***you can buy 1 round for everyone there on a Friday night! That’s it though.
= 10 pretty good and average engagement rings
***if you need that many rings then you make me nervous and please don’t contact me anymore.
= 1,189.3 flying trapeze classes
***who needs college when you can join the circus and probably be called something cool like “The Great Uneducated Flying Squirrel”!!!
= 14,903 Big Macs
***save half of that money for a hospital bill though.
= 74 baby Marmoset Monkeys
***that apparently you can buy in Florida because Florida is a weird place.
Well, there you have it. Fear not, this is just a reminder to work hard for that diploma so that you may be wealthy as hell. So that one day, you may be sitting in Japan with all of your Marmosets and suitcases full of burritos, waiting in line to see The Revenant…for the 4,324th time. And if you’re still upset, go nap it off in one of those $9,000 nap pods on campus. Tuition well spent.