What an exciting time to be alive! In a country where an oversized Oompa Loompa is leading the Republican presidential race and where the iPhone 6 is a little bit thinner than the iPhone 5, we can dare to dream as big as Kanye’s ego will realistically allow us before he gets jealous and needs more attention! And when our world is advancing this rapidly, shouldn’t sex follow suit? These toys and gadgets are sure to keep your sex as hot and unpredictable as those first few bites of
E. Coli Chipotle.
1. Foria Pleasure
This all-natural cannabis-infused lube is designed to take the female orgasm to an entirely new level. Why separate your two favorite activities when now, they can be easily combined?!
You can purchase Foria products on their website, but you’ll need a physician’s cannabis recommendation and picture ID for the 3-day application process. Easier and potentially more rewarding than the college application process!
Fellas, forget about the gym. Instead, slip this stretchable ring onto your…uh…well…you know…and get a work out between the sheets. When it’s over, the Lovely app–which is synced up to your ring–will tell you your calories burned, your top speed, and even the force of your thrusting. If you’re open to a little constructive criticism, the Lovely App also offers post-coital suggestions for some new positions to increase your overall performance and satisfaction.
Oh and did I mention enhanced pleasure for both partners? I think I’m starting to like
3. Musical Condoms
Created by Ukrainian scientist/potential genius Hryhory Chausovsky, the upper cuff of this glove contains a miniature loudspeaker and motion sensor that provide a range of musical tones during the dirty deed. The volume responds to the intensity of the pelvic-thrusting, while the tone varies in response to the sexual position.
Whip these out at your next orgy for a round of everyone’s favorite game: musical
4. We-Vibe 4 Plus
This mutually beneficial vibrator–yes, you read that correctly–is small enough to hug both the clitoris and G-spot while still allowing room for his thingy to go in her sex hole!…I mean…penetration.
Equipped with 10 different vibration modes, this puppy an be controlled through handheld remote, manually, and now, the We-Vibe 4 Plus even has Smartphone App-controlled capability! This way, you and your lova can control the same gizmo even when you’re miles apart, for satisfaction that will feel almost as personal as if you were in the same bed…except probably better because your “lova” doesn’t have 10 different modes.
5. Orgasmatron 3000
Sorry boys, this leather covered washing machine is for my bored and bondage-curious housewives, whose foreplay consists of getting those stubborn stains out. This baby is the ultimate multitasking boner. With settings ranging all the way from “oh!” to “ooooooh!” how could you leave the laundry room again? Just hop atop the saddle and let the machine wash your linens clean, as it stains your mind dirty.
You are ready. Take this sexual goldmine of knowledge and wow your partner, your one night stand, or maybe just yourself because it’s been a long week and so what if you want to drink a shitty bottle of wine and watch a little porn? Whatever the case, embrace the wave of coital innovation and ride that puppy until robots take over and Apple comes out with the world’s first iGenital.