Breaking News: Every Person In Miami Has More Fun Than You

What []_[] Want | Mia Rafowitz | March 21, 2016 SATIRE

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Miami, FL — This Friday, Saturday and Sunday across glistening waters and on top of smoke-covered stages all over the city of Miami —every person had more fun than you.

Miami Music Week had been off the radar for some time, but this year we finally saw a decent turnout. Fluorescent colors spread across Bayfront Park, Molly water was poured on sweaty attendees, and music was really, really loud.

We took to the streets to get a closer look:

Immediately, a freshman girl sporting a metallic leotard and flash tats mounted the shoulders of a tall fraternity brother. She then took a series of 27 photos before getting off and apologizing for being “heavier than she looks.” For a moment she seemed unhappy with the photo, but after finding the right filter, Instagram confirmed what we had suspected– she had more fun than you.

One student was found sitting alone near a tree. When asked for a comment he was hesitant,  “I waited and I waited, but the beat… It just, never dropped.” We were worried he wasn’t having more fun than you but, according to those close to the situation, he still was.

In a shocking turn of events, a girl in a crochet one piece and round reflective sunglasses attended Nikki Beach. At first she seemed to be having a good time, but her phone died before she could update her Snapchat story. However, a candid Facebook profile picture later proved she did, in fact, have more fun than you. 

We went to Brickell to make absolutely sure that everybody was having more fun than you. Poolside DJ booths confirmed what we suspected from @Mikeman34’s balcony Instagram post that read, “We Live Where You Vacation” – there wasn’t a single person in sight who wasn’t having more fun than you.

On Sunday morning, one ambitious sophomore posted in the UM Facebook Group asking for a day 3 ticket.

“I wasn’t sure if I could make it all three days,” he said between licks of his lime green Ring Pop, “But that was the most epic music festival I’ve been to in my entire life.  I didn’t hear music, I became music. My life is completely different.” 

For a more comprehensive list of all of the people who had more fun than you, please consult Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook. 

UPDATE: Even the homeless man off of U.S.1 was seen dancing to deep house music near the metro; having way more fun than you.