You’re in your Uber salivating at the thought. Your eyes have lost all form of life. They just glaze over as you listen to your best friend’s off-pitched renditions of old R. Kelly. In between the tone-deaf vibratos and confessional conversations with your driver, your head perks up, your eyes regain their light, and you remember what’s waiting for you.
It’s warm, firm to the touch, and has been your reason to leave the bar all night. No its not Jake, your surprisingly toned TA who you undress mentally every day in class. It’s far more serious of a relationship than you two could ever have.
It gives just as much as it receives. Nobody has ever said you two were good for each other, but they haven’t seen what happens when you two are in private. They just don’t get it. It’s a chemistry you can’t deny. It’s the “I need you deep in me” kind of love.
Your heart races, because you know it’s about to happen. That overpowering bond that keeps you coming back night after night. You no longer hear the R. Kelly. The crippling desire for it pulsates through your entire body. What causes this? What is it that makes you go from zero to midnight with just a simple thought?
It’s. the. mother fucking. Drunchies. Make no mistake, these are not to be confused with the equally satisfying, Munchies. Why? Because your relationship with Drunchies is different. It’s tumultuous and unrestricted. It’s “I shouldn’t but I’m fucking gonna.” It’s not the snack you bring home to mom and dad for the holidays. Your mind tells you no but your body tells you YES dear god YES.
Munchies appreciate your creativity, your foreplay, the care you show for the small things. Drunchies, in contrast, are ravenous – you two go right at it. There’s no foreplay, no gentle touch before the main event. You’ll get lost in the crackle of bags, the pounding and bumping together as you fork and spoon. The pop of corn will be so tantalizing you might… just… fuck… finish a little too soon.
The Munchies tell you, “Text your roommate to see if you can use her parmesan”. The Drunchies? Sorry, they couldn’t hear you because the parmesan is empty – half on your truffle pizza, half on the floor. The Drunchies have no “maybe not” or “should we?” They are the rawest reflection of your drunken state. A culmination of the many flavors from your night’s adventures. But unlike the Munchies, you won’t want to “share” this snack. It’s not for Instagram and not for your roommates.
It’s hard to fully appreciate the Drunchies, hard to breathe in fully when your deep-throating a banana covered in peanut butter and melted chocolate. And it’s difficult to stop and smell the double fudge brownie when it’s already smeared across the creases of your smile, a distant memory of what was. They’ll leave you satisfied but in the morning you’ll regret what you did. Your friends will say, “We told you! We told you not to coat your fried chicken in syrup and French toast sticks.” And you’ll know they’re right.
Let us not ignore the true dangers of this relationship. Drunchies are deceptive. They’ll tell you, “Make that pot of pasta at 3 am,” with no regard to your body’s desire to pass out at 3:05 – stove on, left to boil over and set your home ablaze. Drunchies won’t remind you to take your macaroni-covered pizza out of the oven; they won’t tell you your toast has burnt to a crisp.
How to practice safe Drunchie-ing:
Set an alarm: Just set one every 5-10 minutes to alert you that your oven may or not be on.
Have a spotter: Always practice serious drunchy-ing with a more-sober counterpart.
Avoid the stove at all costs: Most of you can’t handle the stove when you’re sober so let’s just go ahead and avoid it after five shots of Bacardi and two bottles of cheap wine.
Don’t walk to Wendy’s alone: I get it, it’s only a 5 minute walk but – Sarah – you don’t have pants on. We have this thing called Postmates now. Use it.
Chips and dip: It’s simple, satisfying, and no hot tools are involved. Downfall: it’s way too easy to eat an entire bag of Lays in under 10 minutes.
Take one of everything: QUICK. Put it all in your mouth. Right now.
Cereal: For when you’re hungry and thirsty.
When to put the knife down: If you’ve got pirate-eye syndrome*, put down the cookie dough, take a glass of water, and go to bed. Tomorrow’s going to hurt.
That being said, its inevitable you two will meet. So don’t fight it. Embrace the passion, the “oh you bad but it’s so good!” Here’s a few ideas from our own drunken experiences to try out that demonstrates just how to keep things spicy:
-Rigatoni with BBQ sauce.
-Fried Chicken with frosted flakes instead of breading, dipped in syrup.
-Popcorn with a full stick of butter, garlic salt, parmesan and every other melted cheese you can find in your fridge. (M&M’s optional.)
-Grilled cheese with prosciutto, tomatoes, pesto and Cape Cod chips.
-Pretzels covered in frosting, dipped in peanut butter.
-Quesadillas topped with cream cheese because you thought it was sour cream this whole time but… you know what… you kinda like it.
Check out our first, Drunchie of the Week.
*Pirate-Eye Syndrome: You are so drunk that when you try to focus on something or someone, you must close one eye to fully see the person/object in all their glory. You probably texted your ex about 5 minutes ago.