Yesterday Jews everywhere were proud to share that Jonathan May and Emma Craig uncovered medical records that claimed Hitler had more of a mini corn dog than a German sausage down under. In addition to rumors that he was unable to perform sexually and possessed just one ball, Hitler allegedly suffered from hypospadias, a condition which left him with a penis so minuscule he had to urinate out of a hole at the base or underside of his shaft. A harsh reality for a dicktator who spent his life exterminating millions in the hopes of creating a superior race.
Even though we can’t be positive this is true, wouldn’t the world be a nicer place to live in knowing Hitler did in fact have a small dick? So as the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors and a non-monster who rejects intolerance and genocide, I have some things I’d like to say to Adolf’s shitty groin.
Dear Hitler’s Micropenis:
It’s no surprise you stand less than erect; I wouldn’t be able to get hard if I were you either. And yet, even at your highest peak, with one ball and 2 inches, you stand taller still than Hitler’s entire being.
If you ever did receive any brain, at least for a moment your body got the chance to experience what it was like to have one. It is with great dignity and pride that I expose your small stature, but I don’t need to think about you to degrade your owner’s manhood.
You belonged to Hitler, the leader of the Third Reich, the man who orchestrated the systematic murdering of 6 million Jews, and targeted other groups who he deemed, “racially inferior.” So Micropenis, even if you were small, you were attached to arguably the biggest dick in the history of all humanity.
When The Telegraph’s article discussed that Hitler’s conquest of Europe was to compensate for a lack of potency elsewhere, I doubted it. Are we supposed to pity dear Hitler because he couldn’t be seen naked? Are we naïve enough to believe that an undescended testicle and small dick are even worth mentioning when we begin to discuss the gravity of his abnormal nature?
I do find that a smirk comes across my face as I think of the embarrassment you caused; the dissatisfaction you brought to the man who embodied evil. It’s fun to demean Hitler’s existence in any sense, but I’ve been doing so since I was old enough to speak.
“In his biography of Hitler, the British historian Ian Kershaw said the Austrian-born Nazi leader was repelled by sexual activity of any kind as he feared catching an infection.” – The Telegraph
Oh, Hilter. Hilter, Hilter, Hilter. What a waste of energy for your owner to have lived in fear. There was no need to be afraid of an infection; he was already the sickest man to ever live.
Does it give me comfort to think about his less than impressive boner? Maybe momentarily, but there will never be a shred of ease in the dark mark he left on humanity. The penile ridicule you caused will never match Hitler’s terror, but I’m glad to know that he wasn’t using his head in any sense of the word during your existence together.
In summary, I guess I haven’t learned much. I always knew he had no balls.
Photo: Via weirdworm.com