Candidates Take Positions on… Positions bed

What []_[] Want | Christian Mock | March 3, 2016 SATIRE

  • Copied

The political primary season is here, and it’s bringing a downpour of media attention to the lives of anyone vying for a seat in the Oval Office. People who might otherwise go unnoticed by the majority of the universe are now in the crosshairs of public perception. History has shown that these candidates must adopt a strong position on a number of issues, from healthcare to climate change, if they want to maintain any shot at winning the race.

But we at The Rival feel that one critical issue has received astonishingly little media attention: sex. Think about it. Sex is essential to our very existence. It affects how we think and behave on a daily basis. And everyone’s sex life reveals something intimate about who they are, something that can’t be ascertained by moderated questions at a televised presidential debate.

So we reached out to all of the candidates from this year’s presidential race, as well as a number of other public figures, and we asked them one simple question: What’s your favorite sex position? The answers might surprise you. Who knows, their responses might even change who you cast that ballot for in November (or at least give you a few new ideas for the boudoir).


Candidates still in the running:

Donald Trump – The “Love Thyself” Position AKA Me, Myself, and Hand


Hillary Clinton – The Lewinsky AKA “You go ahead, I’ll just stand here and watch”


Bernie Sanders – The Reverse Socialist Missionary AKA We Are the 99%

Screen Shot 2016-03-02 at 7.10.02 PM

Ted Cruz –The “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” AKA I’m Actually Pretty Average-Sized But I’m From Texas So I’m Allowed To Say That And Maybe It Will Work On You Better Than It Did On My Daughter

Marco Rubio – The Cuban Sandwich Position AKA Extra Mustard Please

Screen Shot 2016-03-02 at 7.13.38 PM

Ben Carson – The Operation Game AKA “I’m not a doctor, but I’ll take a look.”

John Kasich
– The Awkward Morning After Spoon AKA “Oh, wait, you’re still here?”

Screen Shot 2016-03-02 at 7.12.21 PM

Withdrawn Candidates:

Carly Fiorina – The First Date AKA A nice, dry OTPHJ in the backseat of your Toyota Camry in a Carrabba’s parking lot

Chris Christie – The Jersey Turnpike AKA The Trump Ass Kiss

Screen Shot 2016-03-02 at 7.16.09 PM

Mike Huckabee – Responded with: “Sex is between a man and a woman. And sometimes another woman. Threesomes are in the Bible somewhere, look it up.”

Jeb Bush – Generally very vague but told us: “I have so much sex. Like all of the sex a guy can have. That’s me. For sure. Positions? Uh, I like them all so… I don’t know. I’m just a cool, hip guy having lots of sex.”


The Current Office:

Joe Biden – The Consensual Lover

Barrack Obama – “I uh.. well uh. Let me say this. Michelle wouldn’t be too pleased with me if I talked about our, uh, sex life in this setting. Although I will say… Federal Mandates aren’t the only thing that have been on the Oval Office desk this year.”

Celebrities and Public Figures:

Sebastian the Ibis – Hey Girl, Put This Costume On

Julio Frenk – The “I Might Be New Here, But You’ll Know My Name By The End of the Night”

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Pity Vote AKA Finally Got Laid After 20 Dates AKA Let Me Put My Oscar in Your Butt

Kim and Kanye – The “Treat Yourself” AKA The Ego Stroke. This one’s difficult to explain, but it incorporates a lot of mirrors, selfies, money fights, and references in the third-person.

Ray J – Still just watching that old sex tape.

DJ Khaled – The Snapchat Sex Tape AKA Come With Me On the Journey To Deez Nuts

The “Damn Daniel” Kid – He’s technically below the age of consent, but reported getting to second base with a girl one time.

Morgan Freeman – March of the Penguins AKA The “I’m Going to Play-by-Play Narrate Our Foreplay and You Can’t Stop Me. I played God in a Movie Once”

Justin Bieber – Is It Too Late To Say Sorry I Came In My Pants?

Steve Harvey – The Wrong Hole AKA My Apologies, It Was an Honest Mistake


In addition to celebrity contributions, this is now the first official public record of each candidates’ favored approach to coitus. Our goal is to provide you, the reader, with an unbiased view of this critical issue; it’s up to you to use that information as you see fit.

And remember, this is where the candidates stand now. But as with most political issues, only time will tell if they are bold enough to maintain a consistent position… on their favorite position.