‘Canes Sex Confessions: Series Finale

Bad Habits | Steph Alpaca | March 4, 2016

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Here it is. The final round of University of Miami’s Sex Confessions 2K16. We’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly, the disturbing, and the straightup strange. We couldn’t be more proud.

Thank you for making our first sex week an enlightening and raunchy adventure.

Stay horny, ‘Canes.


“I was getting it from behind. This guy was holding my hair back and slapping my ass – everything was amazing until I looked to my right and realized the curtain was open. There was a guy from the apartment across from us staring through the window and watching us do hardcore doggy style. We kept going! Lol ” – Is It Too Late To Say sorry?


“In the outer stairwell of the UC next to WVUM, I hooked with a guy midway up the flight of stairs. It was the perfect spot until someone starting playing a piano at the bottom of it and we realized there with other people inside. ” -Off-Key


“For the FSU game this year, I drove up with a few friends and we stayed at one of their home friend’s apartments who goes to FSU. They had an air mattress and a couch, but there were too many of us and a few of us would have to sleep on the floor. To avoid that miserable experience, I fucked one of the guys who lived at the apartment so that I could sleep in his bed over the trip and not the floor. Ooops.” – Need a Bed


“One finals season I was studying with my bf at the time in the IA office. Totally illegal that I was there, but it made for the perfect study spot, being that it was so hidden and top secret. After tirelessly studying for finals and having taken a final already that day, I figured it was time for a healthy study break. Aka, why not bang in this ever-so-sacred office? Things got steamy. Clothes went flying and before I knew it, I was naked and being thrown on top of the sacred drum (I even had a bruise as proof) about to get it in…until he realized he forgot condoms” – Naked and Afraid


“The hunk couldn’t get hard even though we tried hooking up twice #areyoubroken #youwerentevendrunk” -Softie


“Me and my boyfriend were having sex in my car in the parking lot and then all the sudden an old man gets into the car RIGHT next to us and sees us in the back. He looked terrified.” -Crazy Kids


“One time a girl I was seeing was supposed to leave to go to some event, but didn’t want to because we were fooling around at the time. She said ‘Ugh, you’re making this really hard,’ to which I said ‘No, YOU’RE making THIS really hard!’ (Looking at my crotch)” – She Didn’t Think It Was Funny


“Freshman year this girl and I came back from the grove. We hooked up the night before and the sex was dope, so we were definitely trying to do it again. But we both forgot our canecards. So, what is a freshman cane to do? We fucked on the IM fields. Thank god it’s not an astroturf field…” – Field Fuckers


“Last year, this guy and I met on the gliders outside of the dorms. We started hooking up and wanted to move things upstairs. Both of our roommates were home so we did the next best thing: fucked in the study room. Ahh, the PT 10 study room will never be the same.” – Not For Studying


“My sophomore year, AEPi hosted some booze cruise run by the Bimini Superfast (RIP). I met some guy visiting from Auburn and we started hooking up. He wanted to rent a room, but I felt like getting adventurous so we ran around the boat until I found a ladder that lead to the roof of the cruise ship. We were fucking on the roof looking out over the party. As we were docking, security came up and kicked us off, but we finished while the guy was yelling at us to get down. Ahoy.” – Captain Hookup


“When I lived in the dorms, the guy I was hooking up with and I had to get creative because of the roommate situation. So for an entire semester, we would have sex in the arboretum on campus. Only once did we see anyone, so we proceeded to run the loop while he held my bra with his pants down” -Naked Lap


“My girlfriend at the time got a free night stay at the trump towers in Miami. Since it was a Tuesday, we figured the best thing to do was to start drinking. One thing led to the next and we were getting lap dances at the strip club half a mile down the road. I don’t know who fell harder for this stripper, me or my girlfriend. After a lot of flirting and teasing, we finally hit the FUCK IT button and dropped $500 on a private room. Before we knew it, all three of us were naked and hooking up behind closed curtains; Stripper blows me, I eat out girlfriend and so on. It truley was like a scene from a movie” – Strip Clubs and Dolla Bills


“Fucked at 3 am on a Tuesday in my substance free floor’s study room.” -Marigold


“So there was a guy I had been casually hooking up with at the beginning of the year. His roommate would not give us the room and we really wanted to get it on. I suggested the stairwell as it was like 4am and we’d probably be able to do it without anyone interrupting us. He didn’t like my idea and insisted that we ride his brand new bike off campus and do it on this golf course. While that sounded hot, I refused to get on the back of a one person bike. I just knew it wouldn’t end well. After 15 minutes of arguing with him, I finally agreed. We were not on the bike for two seconds before wiping out as we started off down the ramp. As if it wasn’t awkward enough already, he starts flipping out. I have no idea what happened or how he fell off the bike, but the handle bar was bent completely in half at a 90 degree angle and he had knocked out his front teeth. It looked like someone punched him in the mouth with blood everywhere. He started looking around searching for his teeth like “where are my teeth?! Help me find my teeth! They can put em back in, right?!” I sadly had to tell him they couldn’t put teeth back in… The poor kid doesn’t want me to see him cry so he walks off for a good 15 minutes while I’m just sitting on the steps outside the building texting anyone I thought might be up asking what to do. He comes back and makes me swear not to tell anyone… oops. Still freaking out he calls 911. I’m just sitting there questioning what I did in life to deserve being in this situation. After an hour of me trying to comfort him he finally calms down and apparently is still horny. I didn’t exactly want to fuck a guy with no front teeth and blood running down his chin but after all he had been through that night I felt he deserved a little pick me up. We had no idea where to go so we just started walking down some street of San Amaro and ended up fucking against a tree in someone’s front yard. When he finished he said “If someone had seen us they would’ve thought ‘why is that bloody homeless guy fucking someone up against a tree!'” ……..I didn’t know how to respond either. If the whole situation wasn’t bad enough, just imagine how awkward it was getting past security at 6am with a bloody faced guy who has no front teeth. I think the worst part is he lives on the floor above me and I see him all the time. He never texted me again, and I tell myself it’s probably out of embarrassment.” – Not Good With Bikes


“I have only once received a BJ that I could describe as “enjoyable” and even then didn’t cum from it. Step your game up, ladies” -Tooth Marks


“After a long day of tailgating for a UM football game at Sunlife Stadium, I caught a glimpse of my ex and we shared the same look. We snuck out of the stadium together, and started hooking up behind a truck in the parking lot. Once the busses starting running, we hopped on the bus and she hopped on my dick. With a fully packed bus, we still managed to have great sex without anyone noticing, or at least we think. Good thing everyone around us was as drunk as we were!” -FunLife Stadium


“Pulled out my tampon, threw it out the window of the freshman dorms on an upper floor, and had period sex on a towel.  ” – Paris


“Middle school kids are super horny. When I was in middle school my older sister let me stay at her house where she was throwing a party. People at this party was like 10-15yrs older than me. First time I got to be at a party with alcohol and it was Halloween so you know how girls be dressing for that–mad titties. Anyway, my sister and her friends dressed up as the spice girls. Scary Spice caught my eye, tits for days. I was trying to talk to her, but ain’t like a woman about to fuck a 12 year old–or whatever age I was at the time. I finally said bye as she was leaving the party because that’s as smooth as I could get at the time. Right then I thought, “One day [my name]. One day.”

Fast-forward to 2015, my sister is getting married in Rhode Island. Scary spice is one of her bridesmaids. She talking about how “Oh your little brother all grown up; he all grown up now.” I recognized that she recognized. Fast-forwarder to the after ceremony, we drinking with the wedding party. Cracking jokes with her because I’m actually smooth as fuck now. I go back with the bridesmaids’ room and they all say they want to go swimming. I didn’t have my trunks so I jumped in the hot tub in my draws. I’m sitting with Scary Spice and the other girls leave. (her name ain’t really scary spice by the way.) We get up and here titty pop out. I see it for a minute. Then I tell her “you’re titty out.” Good move because I looked all gentleman like. We go back to the bridesmaids’ room and I hop in one bed thinking she wasn’t going to hop in the same bed because I still had the mindset that she wouldn’t fuck a 12 year old, but you gotta remember we in the future now. I’m not 12. This was the day.

Neither of us finish. The reason being she stops and says, we can’t do this. I think, “…but we in the process of doing. what do you mean we can’t do this?” She said “I just got married…exactly 20 days ago.” Kind of a dick move, but I sorta knew this before, but my scouting report says she is the “friendly” one of the group.

Here’s the thing, this ain’t really about sex. The point is to set long-term goals and follow through. You can accomplish anything if you follow your dreams. My dreams just happened to get that ass. It sorta worked out.” -Duffman