Cheesy Dorito Omelet With an Avocado Puree:
Prep time: 3 minutes
8-12 minutes if you fuck it up and decide to try again.
6-7 minutes if you fuck it up and decide to just eat the shredded cheese out of the bag and cry.
Yield: 1 poorly constructed serving
Difficulty: Varies depending on individual BAC
Remember to always practice safe Drunchie-ing
-Guacamole (make in advance while sober or probably just buy it from Publix because you already work so hard)
-Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce
Bang on your locked apartment/house/dorm door. Bang louder. Realize you’ve been holding your key the entire time and proceed inside, even though it takes a few times to get the key in the hole. Why are there so many jagged edges?
Kick shoes off. It doesn’t matter where they land. Throw purse/wallet/keys on couch. Head towards the kitchen, but then have a brief panic-stricken moment where you are certain you’ve lost both your ID and debit card. Run back to purse/wallet and find said items. Do a victory dance that would make all your past sexual partners question their life decisions.
Go back to kitchen. Turn on stove to some heat level that is probably right. Crack eggs onto stove. While they sizzle grab all the cheese in your fridge. Sit on your cold tile floor and eat most of it. Think about Steve Harvey. Wonder how he’s doing emotionally.
Pop up at the sound of your eggs crackling on the stove and remember that you need this food. You’ll probably die if you don’t make this food right now.
Generously pour cheese on top of eggs. Grab your roommate’s stale Doritos. He is not going to notice you used them and even if he does, remember that he ate most of your Cocoa Pebbles last week. Yeah.
Crunch a handful of Doritos in your fist and sprinkle atop your omelet. Don’t worry about the cheesy dust hands. That’s for your sober morning self to deal with.
The artificial Dorito cheese is a nice accent to the real cheese, some culinary experts say, maybe.
The ratio doesn’t matter, as long as there is so much cheese and Doritos that you’ve lost sight of any eggs. “Eating eggs is healthy,” you think. “I am being healthy,” you think. Smile and briefly shut your eyes. That feels nice…you are just so…tired…
Wake up, the stove is on!
Grab the guac. Turn the stove off. Think about how you hate doing dishes and put the omelet on a paper towel instead of a real plate. Lather guac on. Maybe use a spoon, you probably shouldn’t be holding a knife right now. Pour buffalo sauce on. Eat an extra spoonful of guac.
Convince yourself eating in bed is a good idea, that this time you won’t make a mess. Bring laptop to bed. Wake up the next morning with cheese in your hair and your Netflix paused at time 15:38 of The Bernie Mac Show. Slowly come to terms with the fact that you ate with your hands last night. You hate doing dishes.