Drunchie Of The Week

Cheese Pizza With A Twist

Bad Habits | Christian Mock | January 28, 2016

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Cheese pizza with a light “mac and cheese, chicken masala, bbq sriracha” garnish:

Prep time: 48-72 hours (multiple days’ worth of leftovers)

Cook time: ??? (put that shit in the microwave, hit a couple buttons at random, press start, listen ‘til you hear a few pops and explosions, done)

Yield: 1 college senior (post Grove night)

Difficulty: Varies depending on individual BAC
Remember to always practice safe drunchie-ing.


Exit Uber. Try to remember if you split it with the other riders. Realize you somehow Ubered home by yourself and have no one to split with. Sigh quietly. Briefly contemplate life choices. Proceed to enter home/apartment/dorm.

Look through refrigerator and freezer. Notice that you have a lot of leftovers and a frozen microwave pizza. Realize that you could probably throw everything together and make some food. Smile. High-five self. Proceed to un-package whatever ingredients you can find.

Urgently walk to bathroom. Quick vomit? Nope, not this time. Success. Return to kitchen with confidence.

Place unboxed frozen microwave pizza on counter. Carefully dollop 2-18 spoonful’s of cold mac and cheese on top of the pizza.

Forget what you were doing for a second. Stare blankly at kitchen counter. Remember where you are. Smile. High-five self again.

Pour a layer of chicken masala thick enough to cover the mac and cheese, but not to the point of spilling over. I don’t know exactly how much, you’ll figure it out.

Rummage through condiment shelf in refrigerator. Realize that barbeque sauce and sriracha would be a siiick finishing touch. Smile. High-five self for third time. Carefully squirt each condiment on top of chicken masala layer, according to personal preference. If you don’t have either of these sauces in your refrigerator, ketchup or ranch may act as an acceptable substitute; not 100% sure about that, just a sober guess.

Put the accumulated food mass on a microwave safe plate, and place in microwave. For a few silent moments, seriously contemplate how long to heat the food. Then realize you’re too drunk and hungry to care, and just go with your gut. Feel it out. You’ll know when it’s done.

Once the timer hits 0:01 (NEVER let it get to 0:00), remove dish from microwave. Cut pizza into halves. Tell roommate who just walked in the door that he can’t have any. Sit on couch. Watch the first five minutes of some new show on Netflix that you’ll probably forget to ever watch again as you inhale your creation. Pass out. Wake up 3-8 hours later wondering what the fuck happened and where all the leftovers went.

Proceed to make breakfast.