Edible Meat Undies For Your Love

& More Last Minute V-Day Ideas

Bad Habits | Melanie Martinez | February 13, 2016 SATIRE

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Valentine’s Day is here, but you aren’t exactly prepared. You probably got caught up reading Kanye West’s latest Twitter rant and forgot to get something for your lover/crush/FWB/dog. What can you get at the last minute that’ll still blow your significant other away? Here’s a list of unique gifts that scream – or rather, affectionately croon – pure romance and endearment.

-If you want to keep it cute and traditional, name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your boo thang. Cockroaches are disgusting and eternal, just like love. So, make a big romantic gesture and christen a love bug after the one who loves to bug you. According to the Bronx Zoo, roaches make the heart beat faster. Ugh <3

-Three words: edible. Meat. Underwear. I know what you’re thinking, “Um, FINALLY someone has answered my prayers and invented a practical and protein-packed pair of panties!!!” Introducing Brief Jerky (in case you thought it couldn’t get any better – this one is bedazzled). It’s about time this exists. Surprise your sweetie with this 100% meat, 100% edible, 100% healthy-for-your-privates gift. (Bonus points if bae happens to be a vegetarian. What better way to initiate an intervention?)

-Valentine’s = love. Love = physical affection. Physical affection = His & Her Tongue Scrapers. That’s right. Make that special moment even better by stopping everything and whipping these babies out. Make sure you and your fellow kisser are fresh and ready to go by scraping your tongues in preparation. Nothing else mixes hygiene and intimacy better than these. Nothing.

-Do you really want to impress your guy or gal? Present a gift that’s a true expression of your love together – praying mantis eggs. Your S.O. will get to watch the females grow up and decapitate the boys they have sex with. Sexual cannibalism in insects is a beautiful and amorous phenomenon to witness. It’s passionate. It’s tender. It’s the perfect gift.

-Everybody loves chocolate. But do you know what everybody loves more? Chocolate shaped as an anus. If you’re really trying to woo your love or are planning a proposal soon, this is the gift you need to really go that extra mile. According to edibleanus.com, you can purchase “rings of succulent chocolate cast and crafted from the posterior of [their] stunning butt model.” If that isn’t romance then I didn’t just eat two Panda Express bowls (I did).

Whether it’s a cockroach or a butt chocolate, you can’t go wrong with any of these sentimental surprises. Give your Valentine a true symbol of your love to let he or she know how you really feel.