Alright people, it’s time to stop looking at the hilarious YouTube videos of Trump or the pictures of candidates’ faces fused together (Clinton/Trump is a great one though.) Look, I love that stuff too, but this shit is kind of important. So it’s time to take a closer look at what each of the top four presidential candidates care about and don’t really care about. We can’t rely on the Stewarts, Colberts, and Olivers of the world to tell us everything so here’s at least a basic outline of the issues that seem the most important to each candidate.
OBVIOUSLY, there are many issues and these are not their only concerns, BUT these seem to be the causes they really fucking care about and the ones they don’t care about at all. Of course, to really learn about each candidate you’re going to have to do some Googling and YouTubing on your own. However, hopefully this list helps illuminate which issues each candidate will put the most effort into once he or she gets elected. (Oh and sorry we’ll have to wait four more years for Kanye, but he’ll probably just have some kind of fly dress code put in place.)
BERNIE SANDERS (D)
Gives a fuck about: Poor People
If you are feeling the Bern, then that means you are feeling the need to close the huge wealth gap between the 1 percent and everyone else. Basically, Bernie gives a fuck about the poor people in this country who are struggling to get by. That is why he supports doubling the minimum wage, expanding social security benefits, fighting for employee rights, guaranteeing healthcare for everyone, and trying to make tuition free at public and community colleges.
Doesn’t give a fuck about: Corporations
So Bernie’s interest in the poor means he has essentially two words for big corporations – “fuck off.” He does not give one fuck about helping some of the biggest and most successful American companies do better. He wants to tax the shit out of them. He wants to break up huge financial institutions on Wall Street that really fucked us all back in the 2008 crash. He wants to reign in companies and wealthy lobbying groups that are buying politicians, and get rid of big money in politics. He hates these free trade agreements like NAFTA and more recently the TPP, both of which would benefit these multinational corporations. So yes, he views corporations as villains and doesn’t think they deserve any help. Honestly, I would not be surprised if CNN’s next headline said something like, “Sanders T-Bags Halliburton CEO during Trade Talks.”
HILLARY CLINTON (D)
Gives a fuck about: Women
As the person who has the best chance right now to be the first female President of the U.S., she is making headway for all women and has been her whole career. Hillary can be a bit of a classic flip-flopping politician, but if there is one thing she cares about, it’s women’s rights. She has been vocally addressing the gender inequality gap for decades. Her biggest concerns include unequal pay, the sexual assault problem on college campuses, lack of maternity benefits in the workplace, and her staunch position on a woman’s ability to access abortion services, which of course not all women agree on. Also, it is not just American women she cares for; she has always fought to improve women’s lives in less developed countries in terms of equal rights, voting rights, and access to education.
Doesn’t give a fuck about: Having Consistent Views
It is difficult to say what Washington’s power gal doesn’t care about because she changes her position so often. While Hillary likes to say her stance on many issues has “evolved,” what she’s really been doing is becoming the classic definition of a politician. Her ideals are not exactly set in stone. She tiptoes around issues and avoids views that are too “extreme.” She has only changed her view about things once it seems acceptable by the majority. Not gay marriage’s biggest fan in the past, now she openly and enthusiastically supports it. Hillary was previously fired up about the Iraq War, but now she has second thoughts. She was one of the people leading the charge on the new trade deal, but now she has her doubts about it. To be fair, she is changing her views to be in line with what most Americans think, which is sort of the point of a representative democracy. To be even more fair, her scripted, focus group-tested, television-ready answers make it difficult to believe anything she says.
BEN CARSON (R)
Gives a fuck about: His Religion
Dr. Ben is not a politician or a businessman and does not exude the same kind of slimey vibe as some of the other candidates. That may be because his values do not come from pressure to win elections or making sure our GDP continues to outpace China’s. What seems to drive all of his political leanings is his Christian faith. He references the Bible and God in a lot of his speeches, which is why he fiercely opposes the legality of abortions and gay marriage. He wants to make sure Christian narratives and values are still taught in schools over secular values. So if your religion is what you think is the most important thing in this election then Ben might just be what the doctor ordered (as long as your religion is Christianity, sorry Muslims.)
Doesn’t give a fuck about: Black Lives Matter Movement
A lot of attention has been put on issues of race, police profiling and institutional racism in America after a string of incidents in the last year. A lot of attention was also put on Ben Carson, as he is one of the only black commentators on Fox News, whom you might not say is exactly the organization to be leading a Black Lives Matter protest. Obviously, solving the problem of widespread racial injustice is not an easy one, however it is also quite interesting that Carson said the Black Lives Matter movement is not the way to go about solving it. He thinks it is a form of race baiting and only enhancing racial tensions. He says the best way to go about improving black lives is to address it at a public policy level through funding inner city schools better, cutting off social security benefits, introducing better work programs, and reshaping the entertainment industry’s negative images of the black community.
Gives a fuck about: The Economy
No surprise here as Trump has and always will be about making fat stacks, for himself and now for the American people and companies. He sees it as his duty to make America’s businesses as successful as his 14 seasons of The Apprentice. He loves being rich and obviously knows how to do it. So he wants to make Americans rich again or at least that’s his promise. His plan for doing that includes lowering taxes, making non-American products more expensive, enacting policies that create more jobs for only American citizens, balancing the budget and bringing in big billionaire Wall Street guys into his administration to run shit. Trump is most definitely the biggest clown running out there but you can’t deny the fact that he knows how to make a quick buck, so you can be sure that’s all he’ll be trying to do if he gets elected (which is seeming like less and less of a joke each day.)
Doesn’t give a fuck about: Immigrants
I’m sure we all heard Trump generalize and denounce Mexican immigrants, but he’s not playing around man. It’s obvious his primary concern is increasing America’s GDP, saving jobs for people who are currently Americans, and trying to strangle all other foreign economies. Basically America, America, America. So immigrants struggling in other countries don’t exactly fit into Trump’s business plan to make America great again since they are well . . . not American. He’s serious though. He wants to build a wall, deport all current immigrants who are not legally in the U.S., require companies to hire Americans before hiring legal immigrants, and enact policies to hurt other economies, including Mexico’s. Trump’s unofficial slogan seems to be something like, “Fuck Immigrants, Fuck Yeah America!”