Senior F*CKit List

Advice from a SWUG

411 on the 305 | Dhali Wama | January 25, 2016

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You’re a second semester senior. We’ve allowed you the first four months to drown your quarter-life-crisis in the bottoms of Rat pitchers and to stay home on Friday nights with a joint and your Harry Potter Blu-Ray box set because “f*ck those freshmen sluts and their perfect hairless slutty legs”. And I get it, but hey, let’s put down the Moon Thai takeout menu and focus. We are running out of time to do all those things we giddily talked about back when we were those stupid freshmen sluts! I’ve carefully crafted this senior year bucket f*ckit list to ensure you look back on this last semester with fondness—probably drunken fondness—but fondness nonetheless.

It’s time. The time is now. Our time is now. Let’s go out with a bang (a bang in the stacks if you really want to commit to my list).


1) Free Bayfront Park Yoga*
Time to unwind from all of those tough finger painting classes.
o When: Mondays & Wednesday at 6 pm and Saturdays at 9 am
o Where: Tina Hills Pavilion at the south end of the park
o What you’ll need: your own mat, towel, and water. Come early because it’s first come first serve!
2) Boozy Beach Brunch Picnic
This time when you pass out at brunch people will just think you’re tanning!
o When: any Friday (because you’re a senior and no class!)
o Where: Crandon Park beach (fairly empty on weekdays)
o What you’ll need: bagels, egg sandwiches, a cooler full of plastic jugs filled with a refreshing mimosa mixture, and your best alcoholic buds.
3) The Everglades
Go for a hike, on an Airboat tour, canoeing, or ride an Alligator! JK but you can see those lil guys up close and personal.
o When: during the dry season (December-April…hey that’s right now!)
4) Stiltsville
Make a friend who has the permit needed to visit these over-water houses and channel your inner Crawfish Eddie as you take in the rich history, sun’s rays, and probably a few brews.
o When: whenever your heart desires
o Where: Biscayne National Park
o What you’ll need: a permit (contact the Stiltsville Trust Inc. to obtain)
5) Camping at Oleta River State Park
Make this one an overnight trip and enjoy canoeing, fishing, swimming, or mountain biking with your friends for an outdoorsy weekend that will inevitably lead to someone putting weed in the s’mores.
o When: when you need a friendship retreat
o Where: 3400 NE 163rd St, North Miami Beach (about a 40 min. drive)
o What you’ll need: to call and reserve your spots in advance with a vehicle fee of $55 per night (let’s be real, you won’t last longer than one night anyway).
6) LED Paddleboard Glow Sunset Tour
Glide through the water after the sun has set atop LED equipped paddleboards that illuminate water 15 feet below and 50 feet surrounding you. Perfect if you love adventure, but are afraid of the dark!
o When/Where: Miami Beach Paddleboard currently has a deal on Groupon ranging from $31-$104 depending on the amount of people the package is for.
7) Monkey Jungle
Less depressing than many of Miami’s other zoos and aquariums, this natural 30-acre subtropical rainforest puts the humans in cages while the monkeys run wild.
o When: Open daily form 9:30 am – 5:00 pm
o Where: 14805 SW 216th St. Miami, FL 33170
o What you’ll need: $30 for admission

8) The Lowe Down*
Eat gross amounts of cheese, drink gross amounts of wine, and peruse through works at our very own Lowe Art Museum like the artificially classy scholar you are.
o When: First Thursday of every month
o Where: Lowe Art Museum, UM campus
o What you’ll need: your cane card, a slightly real ID, and your most pretentious turtle neck.
9) Trivia Night at the Rat*
Time to put everything you learned in RAT 101 to the test. Beer = knowledge and knowledge = power. Socrates said that.
o When: Tuesday nights at 6:30 pm
o Where: The Rat patio
o What you’ll need: a competitive edge and many a beer. These teams are no joke and while you just might be thirsty for pitchers, they’re thirsty for the win.
10) Sex in the Stacks*
Hopefully this is the only time you’ll enter the library this semester.

11) Perez Art Museum Miami*
When a fancy modern art museum offers your poor college bum free entrance, you take it and you wear your trendiest fake glasses damn it! Oh and did I mention the happy hour?
o When:
• free admission every first Thursday of the month (10am -9pm)
• free admission every second Saturday of the month (10am-6pm)
• happy hour every Third Thursday of the month (6pm-9pm)
o Where: 1003 Biscayne Blvd. Miami, FL 33132
o What you’ll need: cane card, ID, and $12  if you’re not attending on a free day.
12) Ball and Chain in Little Havana
Just one of Little Havana’s cultural night spots, Ball and Chain still holds on to its 1935 flair and offers live Cuban and Jazz music, delicious Cuban plates and cocktails, weekly free salsa lessons and karaoke nights!
o When:
• Wednesday nights: karaoke starting at 8:30 pm, ladies drink free 8-10 pm
• Thursday nights: free salsa class at 9 pm
• Thursday-Saturday nights: happy hour 4-7 pm, jazz set 6-10 pm
o Where: 1513 SW 8th St., Little Havana, FL 33135
13) Big Night in Little Haiti*
Spend your Friday night getting to know culture, music, art, and food of Little Haiti.
o When: Every third Friday of the month
o Where: Little Haiti Cultural Center, 212 NE 59th Terrace, Miami 33137
o What you’ll need: entrance is free with a suggested donation of $5.
14) Wynwood Art Walk*
Trail through the galleries to check out the local artistic talent amongst a party in the streets full of local vendors, DJs, and food trucks.
o When: every second Saturday of the month from 6pm – 10 pm (although some galleries stay open until 12 am)
o Where: 2219 NW 2nd Ave, Miami 33127
o What you’ll need: to get there on the early side since it gets packed quick. If you’re perusin’ for some boozin’ afterwards check out Gramps, Brickhouse, Wood, and end the night at Coyo where you can also gorge on tacos.
15) New World Symphony WALLCAST Concert*
Head over to Soundscape Park to enjoy either a free classical music performance or movie projected on the 7,000 square foot projection wall of the New World Center.
o When: 

Concert series:
• January 30th at 7:30 pm
• February 20th at 7:30 pm
• April 1st, 9th and 23rd at 8 pm
• May 7th at 8 pm
Cinema series: (check website for movies playing)
• January 27th at 8pm
• February 3rd, 10th, 17th, and 24th at 8 pm
• March 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd, and 30th at 8 pm
• April 6th, 13th, 20th, and 27th at 8 pm
• May 4th, 11th, 18, and 25th at 8 pm
o Where: 500 17th St. Miami Beach, FL 33139
o What you’ll need: a picnic blanket, snacks, and a discreet supply of wine.

16) Blue Starlite Mini Drive-In
Grab your Varsity jock boyfriend and head over to this Coconut Grove drive-in movie theater playing some of everybody’s favorites ranging from the Goonies to The Big Lebowski. Just make sure you guys are going steady.
o When: online schedule:
o Where: 2476 S. Bayshore Dr., Miami 33133
o What you’ll need: to purchase tickets online beforehand as the lot has limited space per showing. Also, preferably a boyfriend with a convertible and sultry hair.
17) Villain Theater Improv Show (Saturday Gigantic)
A live comedy show where professional Miami improv troupes take the stage and make you double over in laughter. Try not to fall from your chair though, because they sell alcohol there and if you spill my drink I swear to God, Karen!
o When: Every Saturday Night 7:30 pm- 11:30 pm
o Where: Villain Theater 8323 NE 2nd Ave Miami, FL 33138
o What you’ll need: $8 and your cane card so you can get that sweet student discount.
18) E11even
Because strippers!
o When: whenever! Open 24/7 baby!
o Where: 29 NE 11th St., Miami, FL 33132
o What you’ll need: to get really drunk and try to lose any emotional attachment to the strippers’ lives outside da club.
19) Live performance that’s not Ultra
This may just be my personal gripe, but I don’t wanna drop a few hundred just to twist my ankle whilst trying to get through a crowd of people dancing as if that overly-aggressive beat is their cult anthem. When are we drinking the punch? Seriously…I’m super dehydrated. Here are some other live performances that don’t involve getting assaulted by a dude wearing light up gloves:
o Hooking up with the Second City (1/27 & 1/28, Aventura Arts & Cultural Center)
o Frankie Valli (1/29, Hard Rock Live, Hollywood)
o Madeon (2/12, The Fillmore)
o The Beach Boys (2/27, Hard Rock Live, Hollywood)
o Vance Joy, Blind Pilot, Jamie Lawson (3/16, The Fillmore)
o KC and the Sunshine Band (3/19, Hard Rock Live, Hollywood)
o Hippie Sabotage (3/26, Culture Room, Ft. Lauderdale,)
o Collie Buddz (5/6, Propaganda, Lake Worth)
o The 1975 (5/11, Bayfront Park Amphitheatre)

20) Schnebly’s Redland Winery
You’re finally 21 which means we can center an entire activity around legal drinking! Take a wine tasting tour at Schnebly’s and practice those sophisticated things you always see adults do like sniff and swirl and gently sip. Hey, I never said you couldn’t pregame.
o When:
• Mon.-Thurs.: 10 am – 5pm
• Fri. & Sat: 10 am – 11 pm
• Sun.: 12 pm – 5pm
o Where: 30205 SW 217 Ave, Homestead, FL 33030
o What you’ll need: your ID, $12 for a wine tasting, and $7 for a winery tour.
21) Speak Easies:
We’re 21 now and the rush of drinking illegally is no more, which means it’s time to resort to locations other than the Grove, Liv, and just hanging outside of Gulf waiting for them to open. These speak easies channel the sinfulness of the prohibition era and are sure to make you feel like a bad mama jama.
How to get in: enter through that sketchy blue door and don’t waver as you make your way down a long hallway lined with vintage chicken wire, glass, and raw steel columns. I promise there’s a light at the end. And that light is Absinthe.
El Carajo
How to get in: what looks like your average BP Gas Station from the outside, contains a stylish tapas restaurant including a selection of over 2000 wines from around the world.
Drunken Dragon
How to get in: enter below the red neon ‘Market’ sign adorning the exterior of a questionably sanitary strip mall and transport into a tiki-themed cocktail lounge that also serves authentic Korean BBQ? Sign me up.
22) Drink Around the World
Travelling on a budget? Epcot is on your side.
When: when beer pong is getting too easy and you’re ready for a real challenge.
Where: Epcot, Disney 200 Epcot Center Dr., Orlando, FL 32821
What you’ll need: to ask for an early birthday present. Tickets start at $97 depending on how many days you’re planning to booze and schmooze.

So seniors, put down the Cards Against Humanity on a Saturday night because 45 rounds is enough and you can only use “Hitler’s House of Barbecue” in so many ways! This is our redemption hour. For the first time this year, sharpen your pencil buy a pencil, and start checking sh*t off. And Freshmen, get a jump start on these activities. Before you know it, it’ll be the back nine and you won’t have a job or any idea what your major means.

As the wise fictitious character of Tracy Jordan once said, “Live every week like it’s Shark Week. Dress everyday like you’re going to get murdered in those clothes.”

See you on the other side.